So, this is whole divorce thing has caused me to reevaluate the person I knew as my husband, best friend, and lover. And I’ve made a  pretty insightful revelation.

1. a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish.
2.  Psychoanalysis. a person who suffers from narcissism, deriving erotic gratification from admiration of his or her own physical or mental attributes.

Jason has never done anything truly for me, or to make me happy. He does things, sometimes super kind and romantic things, because it makes him feel better, because it makes him feel successful, because he needs to be good at things.

When we first started dating, Jason had low self esteem. He was chubby, not athletic, had acne, few friends, etc. Having a girlfriend alone made him feel successful. Then he realized he could be good at it,  he would do big romantic gestures, it made our relationship better, he felt better. We saw other friends fail at relationships, but ours was better, because Jason tried to make it better.

Eventually we got married. He had won. He had succeeded at a relationship. There wasn’t much to work towards. He would still try to do big things on big days, so he could be acknowledged as being successful and a good husband. But he didn’t truly care about or work towards things that made me happy. Things I wanted and needed were frequently put aside, from small everyday things, to big things. I contributed to this. I felt unworthy, I was told I was unworthy. So if I wanted to keep the relationship I had to give up things I wanted in favor of what he wanted in order to make him want to stay with me. While there were people in my life who almost outright sent me this message, Jason was always there, subtly sending the same message. Compliments were few and far between, they were always surface level. Put downs were subtle, yet ever present. I never felt truly loved, truly safe. I always felt I was having to convince him to be with me/earn his love.

Jason is an all or nothing kind of person. He will throw himself COMPLETELY into a hobby/task/activity, until he is done. I would support him with every new hobby he came along…. exercise, diets, websites, video games, even eventually relationships that destroyed our relationship. I was always there encouraging him, getting him the things he needed, and of course, giving up things I needed. I can’t think of any hobby or ambition of mine that Jason supported. Scrapbooking, my masters, my health…. they were always reasons to make fun of me or do nothing about.

Then came our daughter. And he had a new goal, a new task, a new thing to throw himself into 100%. And he did. And as usual, he excels at it… and it makes him feel good. And he is proud. But not for one second do I believe it is actually about her. His attitude through this process has shown me that.

I KNOW this is true. He proves it to me over and over again. There have been MANY times that he has had the chance to make a decision that is best for others. And just generally the right decision. Yet he refuses, because the wrong decision is making him feel good at the time. When it actually comes down to the wire and it is time for him to put someone else before himself, he never does. He never has. I don’t think there is one person who could dispute this about him. NO ONE, God, his wife, his family, his daughter, has actually been put ahead of his needs and wants. No one. Luckily because of my selflessness  that choice wasn’t a choice that had to be made, for along time…. I don’t know how or when that choice will need to be made for Emma some day, but I fear the result.


I’m not officially doing the One Little Word project this year…. Yet I think this one little word has adopted me. It isn’t lost on me that it is also the motto of the state I was born and raised in. The state where it all began. This weekend I feel I’ve really moved forward. I’ve been genuinely happy. I’ve enjoyed conversations with other people. I’ve felt loved. I’ve felt honesty and truth. So. Keep it simple. Forward.  


Brave New World

2016. 2016 will not be the year I envisioned. 2016 will be a year of accepting what I cannot accept. 2016 will be the year my daughter and I enter a brave new world. A world we did not choose. A world we would not choose. After 2 years of trying to work on and improve our marriage after his infidelity, my husband surprised me on January 11th with divorce papers.

After an initial few days of shock, and maybe a bit of screaming, yelling, and threatening. I decided it was time to accept that this was happening. If this was going to happen I had to make it the best possible for my daughter and I. Therein lay the challenges. I want to be with my daughter 100% of the time. I am willing to work with my husband to repair our relationship and be with her 100%, both of us. But he is not willing to do that. So how do I become ok with less than (potentially only 50%) of her life, and not by my choice? That’s my emotional struggle. That is where my anger comes from. I am a good mom, I don’t deserve to have my daughter taken away from me without my choice, yet I am.

Another challenge I am faced with is my feelings towards my husband, my daughter’s father. Having been together almost 20 years, since we were 15 years old, there are lots of feelings. I obviously once loved, respected, and cared for him very much. Yet here is this man I knew, choosing to leave me and take my daughter from me. Making a choice…. He could choose to do the opposite, yet he won’t. Instantly, all those positive feelings are gone. A good person would not choose to give up half of their child’s life. A good person would not choose to take a child away from their mother for half of their life. Yet he is making that choice, so now I am faced with the fact that someone I no longer respect or think is a good person will be a sole influence on my daughter for half of her life. Yet I have no legal reason to stop him from being with her 50% of the time. I’m pretty sure, “I think he’s a jerk and don’t want my daughter around jerks,” doesn’t hold up in court.

Yet, despite all of this, I move forward. A step at a time, day by day, I am entering a new world. What keeps me going is my daughter, my friends, and my family. They all tell me that they have missed me. Missed the happy, fun person I was before the decline of my marriage. I realize that my daughter must miss that too. So as I am forced to enter this new world I must be brave. I need to be brave for her, to show her my strength and character. If I am to be a stronger influence than the negativity in her life I need to choose that. I will make the right choice, for her. I will choose to be brave and strong, to be forgiving and caring. I will show her that even if people make the wrong choice, and those choices hurt her, she can be brave too.

Emma at one year

So I am about a month late with this post…. Probably because I don’t want to admit she is one!

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November was a big month for you. You started walking! At first it was just a few steps, but by the time your birthday party rolled around you could go for quite awhile.


The day after your birthday you had your first Thanksgiving meal. You loved dumping it out and trying all the new foods.IMG_6929 IMG_6916

You had a fabulous party, about a week after your actual birthday since your birthday was so close to Thanksgiving. 

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We had a photo shoot for our Christmas cards that we also called your one year photo shoot. You were perfect!

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You babble more, you talk more. You have words for dad, giraffe and book.

You stopped using a bottle and started using a sippy cup.

I can’t believe you are already a year old little girl. You are absolutely amazing. We love every minute with you!

Emma at 11 months

I can believe that on the next post it will be a year… It is so surreal… and so wonderful. You continue to be a wonderful and perfect baby in every way.

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You are incredibly mobile now… making staged shots just a bit harder than it used to be when we could plop you down in one spot… But it’s still fun.


Speaking of mobile, you have started getting into the kitchen cabinets… “for fun.” Jason finished baby-proofing them this weekend… no more “fun.”


You aren’t walking by yourself yet but you walk easily along furniture and with a walker. I think walking on your own isn’t far off.

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Your first halloween is at the end of this month. Your Ewok costume has turned out to be adorable. And the tricycle from your Aunt Dara has proven to be the perfect trick or treat ride. You have been a hit at Ghouls at Grassmere (zoo), Fright on Franklin (downtown), and G.H.O.S.T. (APSU).


Your dad got the swing installed under the deck. You love every minute of it!

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We took lots of little weekend trips this month… of course a few trips to the zoo and your first trip to a pumpkin patch.

You continue to amaze us and make us love you more each day. You truly are the most perfect daughter we could imagine. I can’t wait for all the exciting adventures ahead!

Emma at 10 months

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This month was about fun and being together as a family when we could. Both your dad and I are back into work full swing so our weekday schedules are busy. We took advantage of weekends with you this month.

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We got a membership the the zoo and have already visited three times. You went on your first carousel ride there. You are finally seeming to notice the giraffes and elephants. One of the younger giraffes looks just like Sophie.

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We took you to the park a few times where you enjoyed the swings. We bought a swing to put under the deck but we don’t have it installed yet.


Music class started up again. You love to sit in the middle of the carpet and stare at everyone and what they are doing.


You are starting to notice and enjoy reading books more.


You are just so fun and playful.

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Crawling is old news, you go where you want when you want… and now you can pull up, on anything and everything. You love to be standing.